The Nanny State Diaries

How to enjoy the World Cup... if you're a dork

2010-06-11T17:01:00.002+08:00

The Hong Kong Department of Health released a list of tips for residents to follow during the 2010 World Cup.

1) Only eat when hungry. Don't snack just for the sake of snacking. Think of all the starving people around the world each time you mindlessly shove a cuttlefish-flavored potato chip into your mouth.

2) Celebrate your team's victory with a nice, refreshing glass of water poured from an environment-killing plastic jug.

3) If your team is behind and you feel that you need a cigarette to calm your nerves, consider flossing your teeth or clipping your toenails.

4) Cheering for your favorite team might seem important at the time, but you only get to watch your baby being born once.

For more advice, see the DOH's official press release.

A man grows most tired while standing still

2009-10-07T00:10:00.001+08:00

When I first started this blog, an entire month and 13 entries ago, I wondered how quickly I'd run out of material. But I need to have faith. There are countless ways for humans to maim or kill themselves, and the Hong Kong government has an entire department dedicated to creating safety programs and signs for every one of them.

In the Causeway Bay MTR station, they've implemented a trial program to assist residents and visitors who are confused about proper escalator etiquette. There's even an employee to guide those who find it all too overwhelming -- a service that one guy clearly needed. Has he never seen photos of the thousands of people who lose toes and their lives every year to this mechanical menace?

Keep clean! Be healthy!

2009-10-06T01:42:00.000+08:00

A few months ago, the government created and mailed a "Keep Clean! Be Healthy!" booklet to all residents.

Today's tip? Don't buy dirty street food that's been stored and cooked improperly from a fat guy with man boobs who is smoking a cigarette and wearing a shirt that is two sizes too small. Noted.

When I see a slippery slope, my instinct is to build a terrace

2009-10-04T00:48:00.000+08:00

I saw this posted in an underground walkway in Sham Shui Po. I'm not sure who the target audience is. Hong Kong is no Rio de Janeiro, ringed by poorly constructed favelas on unstable hillsides, and I doubt the average Hong Konger owns the slope they're meant to maintain.

Put on a sweater, you moron

2009-10-02T00:02:00.001+08:00

My first Hong Kong winter, in 2008, was the coldest in 40 years, with temperatures going down to 43F and the cold spell lasting 24 days. For those from my home state of New Jersey, who know what wind chills as low as -10F feel like, I know that sounds balmy, but very few apartments or homes in Hong Kong are insulated or have central heating, so it's often colder indoors than outside. At least Americans have a refuge in their homes. We're at the mercy of five layers of clothing and space heaters.

But last winter was mild, with temperatures reaching close to 80 degrees in January, so it was strange to step into my building's elevator and see tips for staying warm, when I was more concerned with staying cool.

The building management loves to put up advice and passive-aggressive admonitions, and I think they might secretly be Jewish mothers. Although I'm confused as to how much clothing I'm supposed to wear and exactly how much layering causes one to comically topple over.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's, ah, fuck.

2009-10-01T01:46:00.000+08:00

I saw this sign in a friend's apartment building, but no one knew the tragic story behind it.

Pow! Right in the kisser!

2009-09-29T15:19:00.000+08:00

Mid-Autumn Inferno I

2009-09-27T16:46:00.000+08:00

Et tu, Sony?

2009-09-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

During the height of swine-flu paranoia in Hong Kong, even Sony got into the act with a customized PlayStation Store screen.

Swallowing saves lives

2009-09-24T16:50:00.000+08:00

Scoop your poop

2009-09-20T16:44:00.001+08:00

In Hong Kong, keeping the streets clean is serious business. Hitler demands that you pick up your dog's shit, du Schweinehund.

(Sign outside of a residential building in Mid-Levels.)

If the clogged arteries don't get you first...

2009-09-18T17:22:00.000+08:00

Mainland China seems cool with lead poisoning and the occasional melamine scandal, so you have to wonder what the hell fast-food joints there are using in their paper tray mats that prompts an official warning.

"Diners who spread their french fries across paper tray mats in fast-food restaurants to get maximum ketchup coverage may be risking ink poisoning.

"The warning comes from the unlikely source of the Democratic Alliance for the Betterment and Progress of Hong Kong, which says the greasy practice is hazardous because ink from the paper may seep into the fries."

(More at the Standard)

A "menu" in a "restaurant" that serves "food"

2009-09-16T17:32:00.000+08:00

Baking soda + Mentos = instant death

2009-09-13T17:28:00.000+08:00

(Sign in Gateway, the "Great American Superstore")

Be well, John Spartan

2009-09-09T16:49:00.000+08:00

Hong Kong is like the helicopter mom who drops you off at college for your freshman year and, while clutching you tightly and sobbing, runs down a list of all of the activities you shouldn't engage in because she suddenly realized that she forgot to instill any sense of personal responsibility in you the previous 18 years. And every day, she calls your floor's RA to ensure you're eating right and not having any orgies in your room.

Aside from the surface puritanism of Hong Kong, my two biggest peeves are pedestrians who don't seem to grasp that they're not the only person on the sidwalk and how nanny stateish the government is.

Last summer, during a particularly brutal heat wave, I went to Shek O beach for the first time. It was packed with oiled-up Chinese men in speedos and pink Crocs, but the poor sartorial choices weren't what bothered me.

As I was sitting in my beach chair and reading a book, a voice blared over the loudspeakers in Chinese and English: It's very hot today, children. There's an advisory in effect. Don't stay in the water too long or you might get burned. Make sure you take refuge under an umbrella every once in a while. Drink plenty of fluids.

And as I made my way home on the subway, there were MTR employees running an "Always Hold the Handrail" campaign, complete with hand-shaped flyers to remind us that if we don't hold the handrail on escalators, we might die. DIE.

Living here sometimes is like being in "Demolition Man." It wouldn't surprise me to hear a disembodied voice announce there'd been a murder-death-kill or to enter a public bathroom and find three seashells next to the squat toilet.

So, I decided to document every sign I come across that highlights how little faith the government and businesses have in residents.