How to enjoy the World Cup... if you're a dork

The Hong Kong Department of Health released a list of tips for residents to follow during the 2010 World Cup.

1) Only eat when hungry. Don't snack just for the sake of snacking. Think of all the starving people around the world each time you mindlessly shove a cuttlefish-flavored potato chip into your mouth.

2) Celebrate your team's victory with a nice, refreshing glass of water poured from an environment-killing plastic jug.

3) If your team is behind and you feel that you need a cigarette to calm your nerves, consider flossing your teeth or clipping your toenails.

4) Cheering for your favorite team might seem important at the time, but you only get to watch your baby being born once.

For more advice, see the DOH's official press release.

A man grows most tired while standing still

When I first started this blog, an entire month and 13 entries ago, I wondered how quickly I'd run out of material. But I need to have faith. There are countless ways for humans to maim or kill themselves, and the Hong Kong government has an entire department dedicated to creating safety programs and signs for every one of them.

In the Causeway Bay MTR station, they've implemented a trial program to assist residents and visitors who are confused about proper escalator etiquette. There's even an employee to guide those who find it all too overwhelming -- a service that one guy clearly needed. Has he never seen photos of the thousands of people who lose toes and their lives every year to this mechanical menace?

Keep clean! Be healthy!

A few months ago, the government created and mailed a "Keep Clean! Be Healthy!" booklet to all residents.

Today's tip? Don't buy dirty street food that's been stored and cooked improperly from a fat guy with man boobs who is smoking a cigarette and wearing a shirt that is two sizes too small. Noted.

When I see a slippery slope, my instinct is to build a terrace

I saw this posted in an underground walkway in Sham Shui Po. I'm not sure who the target audience is. Hong Kong is no Rio de Janeiro, ringed by poorly constructed favelas on unstable hillsides, and I doubt the average Hong Konger owns the slope they're meant to maintain.

Put on a sweater, you moron

My first Hong Kong winter, in 2008, was the coldest in 40 years, with temperatures going down to 43F and the cold spell lasting 24 days. For those from my home state of New Jersey, who know what wind chills as low as -10F feel like, I know that sounds balmy, but very few apartments or homes in Hong Kong are insulated or have central heating, so it's often colder indoors than outside. At least Americans have a refuge in their homes. We're at the mercy of five layers of clothing and space heaters.

But last winter was mild, with temperatures reaching close to 80 degrees in January, so it was strange to step into my building's elevator and see tips for staying warm, when I was more concerned with staying cool.

The building management loves to put up advice and passive-aggressive admonitions, and I think they might secretly be Jewish mothers. Although I'm confused as to how much clothing I'm supposed to wear and exactly how much layering causes one to comically topple over.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's, ah, fuck.

I saw this sign in a friend's apartment building, but no one knew the tragic story behind it.

Pow! Right in the kisser!